The path-of-least-resistance parent

Information on parenting is like that on climate change: there’s a helluva lot of it out there, and most of it is fairly accurate and helpful but some is woefully irresponsible and strung together on dodgy pretexts. Such articles go against common sense, but people cling to them because they want an excuse not to take the tougher path — they want a let-off.

I just ran into one of these disastrous parenting articles on the Guardian website. It’s written in the style of an opinion piece, but it’s posted in the Parents & Parenting section, and thus imbued with pseudo legitimacy.


What’s the betting this girl will be allowed to study in peace?
Annalisa Barbieri has decided there is a trend towards strict parenting leading to ‘mindlessly compliant’ teens. There is no such trend. Further, she has declared that if a child is well-behaved that is a cause for concern. Well, if it was a Stepford son or daughter, perhaps. But the trend is quite the opposite of how she describes it.

Single-digit kids are getting in trouble with police, tweens are committing serious, even capital, crimes and teens are jacking in their education, becoming strangers to their parents and harming themselves and others. And this is not one-off instances sensationalised by an outrage-fuelled press — although that happens too — it’s good kids I’ve known personally. That is the trend.

...kids who are subject to peer pressure at its worst are kids whose parents taught them to do what they're told.

No — the kids who are bullying them are the ones who’ve realised they can gain great enjoyment from doing so without significant consequence — because they’ve been allowed to get away with murder.


The balanced approach

So what is the right approach? Seen and not heard, and a spoon to the head if they step out of line? Obviously not.

You need to be paying attention. You need to put your energies into good parenting all the time you are looking after kids. It’s like driving — you don’t do it when drunk or over-tired. Yes, I know what you’re going to say: you have to work 23 hours a day to pay for that new 4x4 or house extension and a drink when you get home is your only treat. Well, you’re a bad parent. Make different choices.

That positive energy from you when your kid is broadly meeting expectations will be interpreted as what it is — the actions of a loving parent. If their inner brat starts to ruin things then it’s time for consequences and lack of attention from you ... consistently, because you’re not allowing anger to sway your decisions — just as a good driver doesn’t succumb to road rage.

Be interested in how they’re thinking; feed their thirst for knowledge. Don’t think ‘Gah — another bloody question on evolution; why can’t they ask their flaming teacher!’ Enjoy the privilege of being the person they want to turn to. But don’t try to be their best friend at the expense of good parenting. No — they can’t write on the wall, but you’ll patiently facilitate their free expression elsewhere.

Once you have this positive, loving, yet defined relationship in place everything will pretty much take care of itself up until the dawn of the teens. That’s why they call them foundations — something solid to build on.


Image: Inspirestock Inc. / Alamy

Friends Without Benefits

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

Meet Trish Young, single mum of seven years and penner of the above dating site tag-line. Trish, who obtained a level of notoriety by reaching the No. 1 spot in the RSVP Top 100, was interviewed for The Age’s Green Guide of 2/8/07:

What’s your dating policy?

I always maintain five men in my life who take on different roles: a man I go to the movies with, a man I have amazing in-depth conversations with, a fun partner who is great with tickle fighting and joking around, one I am intimate with and the last male is on the way out to allow room for another to come.

Classy! Oh to be a fly on the wall as each of her five current cohorts reads the above! Presumably Trish has typically been intimate with No. 5, whom No. 4 is replacing, and No. 3 could more than likely also get a look-in. But it’s Nos. 1 & 2 that are most likely to be vexed by discovering how they’ve been commodified and manipulated. They’re not lovers. And they’re not friends. They’re friends without benefits.

The five roles that Trish ‘maintains’ do not include a father-figure for her child/children. Seems she’s decided to bring them up alone. And you can bet she’s rationalised that decision as being in their best interest. In reality, it’s simply in the best interest of her libido.

Right now Trish is feeling good about her lifestyle choices. The 3,000 ‘kisses’ she’s received on dating sites and high ranking on RSVP have made her feel desired. But she’s setting herself up for a massive fall. As age plays its hand, and the kisses fall off sharply, she’ll have a tangible — literally — sense of loss of desirability. And as her kids approach their teens resentments will mushroom. The life of Trish Young is a house of cards.


Links: Love vs Sex, Susannah’s Regrets

Susannah’s Regrets

It is said there are only two pains in the world: pain of discipline and pain of regret.

What, sadly, many people discover too late is that the pain of regret hurts far more. It’s a crucial role of parenting to make the connection between motivation and reward — the payoff of achievement. But the ’90s and ’00s have been all about instant self-gratification — the Playstation leaves a typical ’tween or teen no incentive to, say, devote years of dedication to learning a musical instrument. And because the Playstation (or iPod, computer, etc.) is typically not earned, the kid is done a disservice. It’s called being spoiled, and it’s a Western pandemic.

After adolescence it’s time to party. And have lots of sex. And at the age of 30 you begin to feel an overwhelming sense of regret. This is what Susannah is going through, and there are no easy answers.

It started weighing on Susannah’s mind back on Day 31: “...when I was younger I was always like, ‘Oh, Suzie's pretty; she doesn't need to study; she doesn't need to worry about those sorts of things’... And looks fade,” she confided to Nick. “...what have I really got to offer? I'm not really particularly passionate about anything; I feel quite shallow and like I haven't really led the sort of life I think I should've.”



“It’s time to go, Malibu Susannah!”
On Day 35, she welled up, and was comforted by adoring fellow mirror-kisser, Thomas:

Susannah: “I'm really scared.”

Thomas: “What are you scared of?”

Susannah: “I'm scared of going back [into the outside world] and hating everything, and feeling disappointed in myself.”

Thomas: “What would you be disappointed for?”

Susannah: “I just feel like I just whittled away all my time, because I just thought it would last forever, and it doesn't, and all of a sudden you wake up, and you're, like, ‘Oh my god, I'm 30, and what have I done with myself? Partied a lot.’”