Joyce Meyer – Not Nice

US TV evangelist Joyce Meyer wants you to give God 10% of your income. Now Meyer has obviously thought through the logistics of this and has realised that God doesn’t actually have a bank account. So she’s generously offered hers!

Why 10%? Well, she’s scoured The Bible and found an Old Testament passage (Malachi 3:9-10) that she contends supports this figure:

Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.

Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

Well, everything’s so clear, now! Hmm. A ‘tithe’ is a levy of a tenth of something, which, it seems, was enough to put the ker-ching of cash registers into the ears of this astute evangelist. Here are some other extracts from Malachi, which Meyer hasn’t been in such a hurry to highlight:

A son honoureth his father, and a servant his master... MALACHI 1:6

Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces... MALACHI 2:3

And if ye offer the blind for sacrifice, is it not evil? and if ye offer the lame and sick, is it not evil?... MALACHI 1:8

That last passage relates to ‘the LORD of hosts’ being dissatisfied if the animals sacrificed to Him are not healthy. It is unclear whether Meyer participates in animal sacrifice rituals herself. If she doesn’t, that would seem to make her a blatant hypocrite. After all Malachi is just 55 verses long.

Meyer describes herself as “not naturally nice”, and this is not a viewpoint that The Guru feels compelled to contest. Buyer beware!

In The Beginning...

Arguably* the most widely accepted creation theory is this:

In the beginning all was guacamole.**

However, The Guru takes the Zen approach to creation theories – however appealing. Here are some bite-sized nuggets from his philosophy:

• Meaning and purpose are not reliant on a created universe


• That life is wondrous and precious is empirically true


• Concepts of a hereafter detract from making the most of life


• Our minds are hardwired to believe in deities, but these varied beliefs have a history of causing conflict and clouding sentient thought


• Enlightenment requires tolerance, free thought and self-determination (unlike religions)

Plus, of course, guacamole only keeps for about a week, so it would’ve gone off.

* It should be noted that many advocates of this theory are not vocal in its support for fear of being stigmatised.

** Some have asked “From whence came the guacamole?”, “By what hand did it come into being?” or “How grew such a plenitude of avocados?” These are nonsensical questions, for the beginning is, by definition, that which has no past.

Ask The Guru

When The Guru isn’t dipping tortillas into fresh guacamole or watching 1990s episodes of The Simpsons he likes to impart his wisdom to gurus and would-be gurus.

You can contact The Guru 24 hours a day with your queries and quandaries – either via the email address at the top of this page or by leaving a comment – and he will work hard, 24 hours a year, to answer them.

If you email, let him know if you want to be referred to on the site by your email display name, Blogger screen name, or neither.

Comments are moderated, so won’t appear straight away. Think of The Guru’s Guru as a place of tranquillity*, where your karma won’t be subjected to the hate so prevalent on the web.

* and all-round weirdness

Chanting Et Al

As detailed in The 39 Steps, fruitiness is at the core of the Guru’s Guru philosophy. While movements such as Scientology and Freemasonry are taken very seriously by members but seem incredibly wacky to the world at large, The Guru’s Guru aims to be as unfathomably weird as possible.

You are therefore encouraged to chant “Et al et al; Al et al” to the tune of the chorus of Britney Spears’ Hit Me Baby One More Time whenever you arrive at this site.

You know it makes sense!

The 39 Steps (Part 1)

There are, of course, 39 Steps to enlightenment:

Step 1: Visit The Guru’s Guru often

Step 2: Massage your ulna

Here at The Guru’s Guru, we embrace a daily dose of fruitiness. Does it focus your alpha waves? Centre your ch’i? Cleanse your chakra? Well, new thinking requires new terminology. So, we say it “massages your ulna”.

Be sure to do one of the following every day:

• Stick a Post-It Note saying “Post-It Notes” on a Post-It pad


• Read a random paragraph from a Jackie Collins book out loud


• Peel an onion wearing only a snorkel mask


• Exclaim wistfully to a ticket inspector “My water was just a curiosity to you!”


• Hop zigzag down a corridor, grinning widely


• Visit a chiropractor and ask to see their back-catalogue


• Sway gently from side to side while your train is at stations


• Ask someone directions to 1952


• Laugh hysterically at a scene from Two And A Half Men


• Set your watch 1 hour and 23 minutes fast


• When the phone rings, answer it by saying “Hi, can I speak to Jerry Maguire?”

Or you can try going freestyle (taking care, of course, not to mess with anyone’s karma). Share your ideas with others by commenting to this post.

Other Steps to be, um, revealed over time.

Q: What is RSS?

A: It’s Really Simple Syndication. And it’s good for your karma.

Imagine The Guru is off meditating in Communicado for 39 days. (It’s a lovely spot.) You keep diligently checking The Guru’s Guru every few days for updates, quietly getting increasingly frustrated. After a month, you give up your search for enlightenment, and start avidly reading News Corp blogs, naturally beginning a spiral towards spiritual oblivion. On Day 40, The Guru returns, and posts the very article that would have set nirvana within reach.

But things would be very different if you used RSS.

It allows you to check for new Guru’s Guru posts just by glancing at your homepage, assuming (like thefreedictionary.com) it’s RSS-customisable. If it is, check its RSS help section for details and paste in the following address:

http://thegurusguru.blogspot.com/rss.xml

Really simple. Now where did I put my suntan lotion...?

Gurus & Guacamole

Not all gurus live on platforms atop wooden poles or in isolated caves. (The wi-fi tends to be icky.) But enlightenment in a world of fast food, traffic jams and spam is not an easy thing to achieve. Yes, finding nirvana isn’t as simple as a trip to the local Virgin Megastore.

But there are answers. And you’ll find them right here. Just below the tasteful lime.

So break out the guacamole and lets see what happens. After all, as someone (I think it was Neil Armstrong) famously said, “Every journey begins with a single step”...

Q: Should I feel guilty for watching South Park?

A: Good to see you think about what you watch, as a conscientious guru should.

The answer is No. But. That does not mean there isn’t a moral minefield to navigate. Trey Parker and Matt Stone vilify individuals and entire cultures. Be careful not to let that bigotry rub off on you.

In conclusion, as the ever insightful Kenny once said, “Mm mm mmm, mmmm mmmmmm Mmmmm!”


Links: Trey Parker — American Idiot

Hyperopia test

The first person to tell me what’s pictured in the title graphic will win an exciting prize!*

* Competition open to residents of Atlantis only

Q: Why am I here?

A: You are searching for answers.

The internet can be a handy thing. Want to know the length of Alaska’s Yukon River? No problemo – Google will happily spew out the answer (2,897 km) in under a second. How many Rutherfords in a Curie? Too easy: 0.00027027. You might have more trouble finding out the name of that groove between the nose and mouth, but the word philtrum will out in the end.

But ask a question like “Is there a god, and, if so, is he pissed at me?” or “Where are my keys?” and all of a sudden the curtain gets drawn back, and we find that Google isn’t all-knowing after all, just a latter day Wizard of Oz.

Well, breathe easy, web-surfer, for you have finally found the site that can answer all of your questions...