Michelle: Housemate from Hell

It’s part of the Big Brother Australia formula that they try to stir the pot in the latter stages with a loud-mouthed intruder. Transsexual Nadia (BB05) had evidently been a handful pre-op during BBUK, but as a (post-op) Intruder on BBAUS she was fairly civil. No-nonsense Perry (BB06) did make some waves, but for the most part had a maternal role in the House. Michelle, however, who joined BB07 on Day 50, was a genuine nightmare!

Rude, loud and inconsiderate, Michelle picked fights for her own amusement. “...I really don't give a frog's fat arse who likes me and who dislikes me!” she declared on Day 59. And she meant it.

She routinely swore at people, and couldn’t grasp why the other HMs, who would swear about things but not to each other, had a problem with this. (Not that she would listen if someone tried to explain.) This small irritation was the fuel for an argument she picked with Aleisha on Day 70, which turned into the mother of all BB07 conflicts — and saw the kind of vicious bullying that makes you wish Michelle would be sent for a 20-year tour on a remote deep-sea oil platform!


Bully tactics
Like Nelson, Michelle isn’t bright, affluent or attractive. Like him, a difficult past has left her with a ‘me vs the world’ attitude. And like him, she found herself in an environment where her targets couldn’t get away, and upsetting them provided entertainment for her. (Short of getting physical) she found she could have her fun without the rules or her peers intervening for the most part.

Although it wasn’t Michelle’s intention to make Aleisha so upset, when it happened, instead of backing off she lashed out viciously, shouting “Don't come that crying with me, mate!” That’s the moment pictured above, and it was disturbing to watch.

The argument carried on, in fits and starts, for hours, impacting every Housemate. Later, Michelle said to Travis “D'you now what? It's fun; it's fun stirring people up. Coz it's too boring for me otherwise.”

While she confronted Housemates about any slight way they were annoying her, any issues directed her way were met with the stock “Nah, that's me, mate.” And she even treated her few allies, such as Daniela (who’d used the Twist to keep her in the House) this way.

It wasn’t until her eviction on Day 78, when Michelle got to see the footage of her onslaught against Aleisha, that she finally began taking stock of her behaviour. She looked shocked by the clip, but still defended her actions, responding to Gretel’s “Did you finish that and think ‘Actually, I could have handled that better’?” with “Nah.” But if there was ever a BB contestant who needed to grow as a person, it’s Michelle, and The Guru hopes she’ll look over the recordings and do just that.

The Mormon Pigeonhole

The world is slowly becoming less segregated by ‘race’ (a perceived term, with no genetic basis). Unfortunately, religion has stepped up to take the slack, and religious fundamentalism is rife (and not just in the US!)

If it weren’t for the little detail of a potential World War III, it’d be almost funny. “I am Christian and you are Muslim. We have nothing in common; you worship a false god. Oh, hang on, you worship the same god as me. But you don’t believe in Jesus. Oh, hang on, you do believe in Jesus. But not that he rose from the dead. Well, there you go, I knew there was a good reason to consider you my mortal enemy!”

People of different religions are intolerant of each other through lack of understanding and bloody-mindedness. The latter has a lot to do with a central doctrine of their religion — that it alone is right and should survive over all others. A number of Old World monotheistic religions (those established before the discovery of the Americas) include it; notably Christianity, Judaism and Islam.

Mormonism, founded in 1830 in the US, is a Christian sect which, unusually, does have a little religious tolerance built in. (Racial tolerance, not so much! Black priests have only been allowed since 1978.)

“I’m here to be real,” said Rebecca before entering the Big Brother House. She wanted to do her bit to cast off the image of Mormons as weird and separate from mainstream society. But she faced an uphill battle.


Rebecca gets blue in the Ice Room
Positive and fun-loving from the outset, Rebecca was knocked back and sidelined over and over. Early friends became early evictees. By Day 31, when the first Intruders entered the House, she was at her wit’s end. Daniela was a godsend (so to speak!); they formed an immediate bond, and Rebecca opened up to her new girlfriend: “...it's really hard, every day fighting to just be myself...”

Emma had no interest in a united House. She controlled who could join the ‘Popular’ group, and that gave her a feeling of power, as well as the pleasure of making snide comments about the ‘Geeks’. Rebecca saw only a relationship that needed working on; she didn’t realise that once Emma had decided she didn’t want to know her, the door was closed and there was nothing she could do.

“You know what; an epiphany I've had today? I thought I really don't want to be a popular person, because they really are mean to people, they really do overlook people and they really can be very self-obsessed and self-absorbed a lot of the time,” she said to Jamie on Day 35. Very true. And Emma wasn’t solely to blame; the others in her clique allowed her to bring out their meanness.

In the Ice Room, free from Emma’s influence, Rebecca was accepted by the Popular boys and got to let her hair down. At one point, she dared Travis to sit ‘bareback’ on a block of ice, and when he pointed out he might stick to it said “I might have to pee on your bum!”

On Day 50, she was evicted — in a double eviction with Emma(!) But while Emma got 76% of the ‘Merged’ vote, Rebecca got only 4% — 2% less and she’d have been safe.

Rebecca achieved her goal — without compromising on her principals. Australia accepted her. And the standard Mormon pigeonhole is suddenly defunct!

Emma’s Eviction – The Start of Her Journey...

Kate was a heinous bitch at the start of her BB experience. But after only 9 days, her outlook changed greatly. In contrast, Emma became cattier and more scheming almost with every passing day. 50 days in, she had established a strong, inequitable matriarchy in the House. And all of a sudden, much to her surprise, Emma was out on her ear.

“What they've got is working for them. OK?” explained Laura to Rebecca on Day 48. “There's a couple of leaders; there's Emma, there's Andrew, and there's a few others, and they're the people that lead the group. And the others are the sheep, and they're too scared to speak up...” This followed Laura’s persecution at the hands of Emma’s clique after her $7 fine from BB for taking photos — something which, as she pointed out, wouldn’t have happened to Emma or Andrew.


Emma recounts 69 things she hates about the HMs
A good illustration of the power dynamic in the House had occurred earlier the same day. Laura had a sore finger from Friday Night Games, and was waiting outside the Diary Room to see Big Brother. Emma, was lying on the sofa, some way from the Diary Room door:

Laura: “I want to see Big Brother.”

Emma: “Well you can go after me, 'cause you're wasting time —”

Laura: “I will go after you.”

Emma: “— and I've got important questions, like food for the House.”

As in wider society, leadership roles typically evolve in the House over time. But these are usually taken up reticently and half-heartedly by HMs, who are only too aware that the one who lays down the law is an easy Noms target. In Emma’s case though, the role is clawed out through a thousand devious and conniving acts. And the power is then abused.

The following day, when Laura — who’d been so upset by her treatment at the hands of the pack that she’d wanted to leave — addressed everyone, saying “...it's not equality...” Emma sensibly stayed silent. But the snarl on her face as Laura walked away spoke volumes about her inner ugliness.

Later that day, it was business as usual as far as Emma was concerned. “There's something about Daniela I just — don't trust”, she said to Aleisha, after interrogating her for details of the conversation the two had just had (bringing her total bitchy acts in the House to 1,001!)

The eviction chart revealed that 73% of the Evict votes had gone to her, while none of the other 6 nominees had received more than 7%*. Now that Australia knows what Emma is like, her journey of self-discovery has well and truly begun...


* The Guru will avoid drawing conclusions based on the ‘Merged’ vote, due to Big Brother’s ‘creative accounting’.


Links: Emma vs Rebecca in The Mormon Pigeonhole.

Susannah’s Regrets

It is said there are only two pains in the world: pain of discipline and pain of regret.

What, sadly, many people discover too late is that the pain of regret hurts far more. It’s a crucial role of parenting to make the connection between motivation and reward — the payoff of achievement. But the ’90s and ’00s have been all about instant self-gratification — the Playstation leaves a typical ’tween or teen no incentive to, say, devote years of dedication to learning a musical instrument. And because the Playstation (or iPod, computer, etc.) is typically not earned, the kid is done a disservice. It’s called being spoiled, and it’s a Western pandemic.

After adolescence it’s time to party. And have lots of sex. And at the age of 30 you begin to feel an overwhelming sense of regret. This is what Susannah is going through, and there are no easy answers.

It started weighing on Susannah’s mind back on Day 31: “...when I was younger I was always like, ‘Oh, Suzie's pretty; she doesn't need to study; she doesn't need to worry about those sorts of things’... And looks fade,” she confided to Nick. “...what have I really got to offer? I'm not really particularly passionate about anything; I feel quite shallow and like I haven't really led the sort of life I think I should've.”



“It’s time to go, Malibu Susannah!”
On Day 35, she welled up, and was comforted by adoring fellow mirror-kisser, Thomas:

Susannah: “I'm really scared.”

Thomas: “What are you scared of?”

Susannah: “I'm scared of going back [into the outside world] and hating everything, and feeling disappointed in myself.”

Thomas: “What would you be disappointed for?”

Susannah: “I just feel like I just whittled away all my time, because I just thought it would last forever, and it doesn't, and all of a sudden you wake up, and you're, like, ‘Oh my god, I'm 30, and what have I done with myself? Partied a lot.’”

Jamie’s Existential Crisis, pt 2

This intense three-way dialogue continues for some time. In an attempt to find the common ground, Andrew and Aleisha both discuss their analysis of him:

Andrew: “When I see you look at me — there's only been a couple of times this has happened — but when you and Nick were chatting and I was in the pool I was just like —”  *does impression of thoughtful look*  “— and that's me analysing —”

Jamie: “You're analysing my looks.”

Andrew: “Exactly.”

Aleisha (later): “Everyone was like ‘Jamie knows something’, ‘Jamie knows this’, ‘Jamie knows that’, because [of] your fake expression, so we can read you just as well as you can read us...”

As this lengthy, intervention-style heart-to-heart-to-heart came to a natural conclusion, the best course of action would have been to give Jamie as much time as he needed to reflect on things. But he’s put under pressure to have his say, and, when he runs out of housemates to listen to as delaying tactics, Jamie finds himself addressing Aleisha, Andrew, Joel, Rebecca, Susannah and Thomas:

Jamie: “Yes, I am an analytical person.”

Aleisha (laughing): “Good start!”

Jamie: “Yes, I have a higher IQ than you guys. —”

This is a comment that really grates. And it’s a credit to the supportive nature of the group that, even with the alcohol flowing, no one breaks in to pull him up on it. Doubtless, Jamie would be excellent at spotting the odd one out in the sequence 2, 3, 6, 7, 8, 14, 15, 30; that does not make him smarter than or superior to the next person, which is what he’s implying.

Feeling defensive, the walls are back up, and, without the comfort of a sympathetic one-on-one, he is taking solace in a familiar feeling of general intellectual superiority.

“— I will continue to read people — that's what I do. I hate the fact so much that the smart guy is the guy that's crying, the guy that's upset, the guy that lets things get to him! I understand that I am the fat guy in this house —”

At this point, Jamie’s been crying on and off for the best part of an hour, and is feeling embarrassed and angry. The ‘fat guy’ reference brings a passive-aggressive attack into play: make the group feel responsible for his current state.

Susannah: “What?”

Aleisha: “You said this to me about two weeks ago; that you're the nerd, that you're the fat guy, that you're the guy that's not fit, you're not the hot guy. You're being an idiot if you believe that you're in here because you're not as fit as these Romo people!”

Thomas: “I'll agree 100% with what Aleisha just said. You're not in here for your surface person.”

Again, hats off to the HMs for doing their best to be supportive. Unfortunately, Aleisha’s comment is ambiguous, Jamie taking it to mean that he is as hot as the others. He shoots it down, and Aleisha runs off to the Diary Room, upset.

Jamie came very close to understanding what was making him so upset — the isolating walls he’s built up around himself — and so begin a process of change and growth. But instead, he remained defiant about his analysis of others (which many of the other HMs do just as much), insulted six of his fellow HMs, and left Aleisha feeling like crap:

“It makes me really angry to...pour my heart out to them [Jamie] because I think that will generally change how they look at life, and for them to shut me down and make me feel like a small country bumpkin that has no idea!”

Jamie’s Existential Crisis, pt 1

A lot of tears are shed in the Big Brother House. But Jamie’s experience on Day 40 was something more profound. To pass it off as a mixture of stress from the weekly task and the effects of alcohol would be to miss Jamie’s crisis of self.

The catalyst was a three-way conversation with Aleisha and Andrew. Aleisha in particular was bothered by his analytical stares and questions. When Rebecca tried to put in her two cents’ worth, the dialogue was already quite intense, and Aleisha and Andrew asked her not to.

Jamie: “I feel really bad that someone had to leave this conversation because they felt uncomfortable.”  *wells up*  “I feel really crap someone had to do that.”

Andrew: “No, but it wasn't their conversation to be in. Know that, Jamie, it wasn't their —”

Aleisha (at the same time): “It wasn't their conversation anyway —”

Jamie: “Everyone has a right to speak to me. Alright?”

Aleisha: “Stop crying.”  *puts hand on nape of Jamie's neck*

Andrew (at the same time): “Everybody does, but it was the wrong place —”

Jamie: “I AM NOT CRYING!”  *Aleisha hastily removes arm*  “No, alright, I'm sorry. Put your hand back there.”  *laughs and guides Aleisha's hand back*


A profound moment in Jamie’s life
Aleisha is finding her way through Jamie’s protective persona in a way Andrew never could. Jamie’s constant analysis has been his buffer, but has isolated him — a double-edged sword. With his guard down, he momentarily has an intense connection with another soul.

Aleisha: *giggles*  “Jamie! OK, Jamie, no, listen. This is not a personal attack on you;”  *guides Jamie's head to look at her*  “you're a beautiful person —”

Andrew: “You are, you're a great bloke.”

Aleisha: “— and you do mean well, and today, when you showed sincere that you were very upset about what you had to say, was a prime example — look at me — that you were feeling very upset —”

Jamie (sounding teary): “I'm analysing you right now.”

And here is the nub of the problem — Jamie knows that his analytical behaviour is an issue in (and out of) the House, but feels powerless to stem it.

Aleisha (sounding kind and unfazed): “I know you are; it's OK, I know, that's what you do.”


Coming up next time: In Jamie’s Existential Crisis, pt 2, the HMs’ good will towards Jamie is put to the test...

Emma’s Brother’s Reality Check

They say the path to Hell is paved with good intentions. The man who, aided by his daughter, held up a sign at the last BB Live Eviction show saying “Emma, Your Dad Is Dead” doubtless had good intentions. But if he’s expecting a VIP pass to the Celestial Temple he could be in for a nasty shock.

Moral outrage is emotive, and can lead to actions which are very poorly thought through. The Age behaved irresponsibly in reporting the news of Mr Cornell’s passing in the way it did. Fortunately, Defamer reports that none of the Housemates saw the sign during the live crosses to Gretel.

In a heartfelt open letter at what must be a very difficult time, Emma’s brother, Matt, has articulately countered the ill-informed views and advice in Nick Sheridan’s piece and many other media articles. If you only read one item on the BB website this year, make sure it is this one. BB will always have its detractors, but the current series was evidently very special for the late Mr Cornell:

Our dad was extremely proud of Emma’s achievements so far on Big Brother. He would watch her each night proudly from his hospital bed heckling rivals and laughing at Emma’s wicked attitude and antics. Without you guys and this Big Brother experience he wouldn’t otherwise have had this opportunity and insight into his daughter’s life, thank you.

Ins (2) and Outs (3) of Big Brother

Demet — Out

Demet’s sixth sense? Suspect. When flirtation becomes a way of life, a person can have a seriously skewed take on things. Having said that, a lot of Demet’s vibes were on the money. During the White Room ordeal, while Kara bawled her eyes out Demet calmly said “I think you were just waiting for an excuse to cry”, and carried on practising belly-dance moves.


Emma discusses her breasts Demet’s eviction
Her opinions of fellow HMs were biased to say the least, and on Day 25, while discussing Zoran with Emma, she threw in a racial slur for good measure: “I can't believe how dirty Zoran is, hey. Then again, I just look at him, right, and he just reminds me of like a — any wog boy that doesn't do anything, yeah, because everything's done by their mothers...”

It often happens that groups in society that have had to endure verbal attacks take up offensive words used against them so as to neutralise their effect. But two wrongs don’t make a right. And so doing typically causes the words to flourish and the groups to self-ghettoise. It’s a pity we didn’t get to see one of the HMs challenge Demet on this.


Hayley — Out

In the hyper-reality of the Big Brother House, absence has already made the heart grow fonder, Andrew having taken just five days to realise Hayley is the girl he wants to marry. “...Hayley's the most emotional person you'll ever meet,” he said to Laura on the evening of the surprise eviction. Well, at least he knows what he’s letting himself in for...


Laura & Daniela — In

Laura (like Cruz) should definitely have been a HM from day one. Passionate, complex and fragile, the week or two she’s likely to remain as an Intruder won’t be nearly enough. And what better HM for this year’s environmentally conscious House? By the way, according to this BB article, Queensland, one of the most drought-affected States, doesn’t allow the use of grey water in houses!

Daniela seems an astute judge of character, getting a handle on Emma after just two days: “Yesterday, in one day I really noticed a lot of her pulling away from the rest of the group to sit in a room and kind of whisper and — I know that she wasn't talking about me, but seeing that makes me think, you know, it'll be my turn eventually, and that really turns me off.”


Nick — Out

The Guru’s favourite moment from Nick’s brief time in the House came during his first evening:

Travis: “Are you a gay bloke, Nick?”

Nick: “Er, y-yup.”

Travis: “No, that's alright. No, eh, oh, no, I ain't 'oldin' back mate; I asked you, you gave me the answer, so good on yer.”  *shakes hands*  “Eh eh, eh, straight up, don't worry mate, good on yer!”

Emma: “That's just Travis — you'll get to know Travis.”

Emma’s Father’s Parting Gift

The Age reports that Emma’s father has passed away. The headline? “Grief expert slams Big Brother”. Naturally. There’s nothing like a little moral outrage to shift newspapers.

Emma's boyfriend Tim Stanton told News Limited that Mr Cornell had asked that his daughter not be told of his death until she left the house.

So The Age is outraged that Big Brother has gone against a dying man’s wishes and informed his daughter? Wrong. The outrage is due to her not having been told.

Mr Hall [a psychologist specialising in grief and bereavement] said that given Emma, who at 24 is an adult, she should be informed of the death even if it goes against the wishes of her family.

As well as needing to brush up on basic grammar, journalist Nick Sheridan should at least pay lip service to journalistic balance. Defamer reports more of what Emma’s boyfriend had to say:

“Her dad didn't want her to be upset or to feel like she had to leave the house to come to his funeral,” Mr Stanton said.

“He didn't want to ruin the experience for her. She might be upset when she comes out and finds out what has happened, but I think she'll understand.”

Here at Guru, we would go one step further. We believe that Emma will see her Father’s wishes as showing his respect for her and what she’s achieving. After years estranged, it is surely the most precious gift he could have left her.


Update: See Emma’s Brother’s Reality Check

BB Voting – a Guru Exposé

“It’s time to go, Demet!” Fortune has smiled on Emma: of the four nomination rounds to date she’s been saved in 1, 2 & 4 by the Twist, and Round 3 saw her up against Demet, the second least popular White Room inmate.

It’s annoying that the producers withhold how many of the total votes are Saves and how many are Evicts. However, armed with a paper napkin, Biro and steely determination it’s possible to get a rough idea*. In the TJ/Bodie eviction, about 45.5% of the total votes would have been Saves (mainly for Bodie and Joel). TJ, by The Guru’s reckoning, received less than 28% of all votes (Save and Evict), so the ‘merged’ bar chart showing her at 54% and the others all at 7% or less was extremely misleading.

Big Brother’s figures were TJ 54%, Bodie 7%, Zoran? 2%, Joel? -37%. These (as absolute numbers) add up to 100%, but it makes no sense for the merged votes to do this. With every Save vote cancelling out one Evict vote, the merged chart should have been TJ 17.5%, Bodie 2.5%, Zoran? 1%, Joel? -12%. Put simply, this is because each bit of green cancels out a bit of red the same size.**

In the Demet eviction there was a far smaller proportion of Save votes — only around 23% in total (Demet 5.5%, Emma? 13%, Zoran? 4.5%). Over three-quarters of the total vote was on the Evict side (Demet 40%, Emma? 30%, Zoran? 7%). The question marks, of course, are due to the producers not revealing which nominee is which.

The proportion of Saves to Evicts is information that should be out there. And if the producers did the graphs this way (a) the graphic of them merging would suddenly make sense to people and (b) The Guru could avoid some highly disapproving stares at restaurants...


* All figures here are approximated — the Solver plug-in in Excel goes into meltdown attempting these calculations! Any mathematical savants out there, forget about those pesky Fibonacci Sequences — this is your new challenge!

** if the graph shows Save and Evict votes in proportion, which the BB ones do not.

Big Brother presented the Save, Evict and ‘merged’ votes in the TJ/Bodie eviction as follows: TJ 11, 41, 54; Bodie 51, 47, 7; ? 9, 9, 2; ? 30, 3, -37. And in the Demet eviction: Demet 24, 52, 65; ? 57, 39, 31; ? 19, 9, 4.

Post-Bo-J: The Struggle to Stay Awake

‘The struggle to stay awake’ is the title of a news item on the BB website. It refers to the HMs’ weekly task, but could just as easily be about Big Brother viewers since Bodie & TJ were evicted on Day 22.

“What — do — you — want — from — me?” Bodie was at times suffocated by TJ’s attentions. Her answer was delivered to the Diary Room, not Bodie: “I want to be loved. I have a lot of love to give.” The Guru doubts TJ not one iota, and admires her for exposing her emotional core on national television. Together or not, their journeys in the House had only just begun.

Bodie had an impressive knack of getting under the skin of other HMs while generally* not being irritating on-screen. “I think each day more and more people get a bit more pissed off with things that you do.” growled Andrew. “I respect your feelings, but I'm not going to change — sorry,” retorted Bodie. This, of course, is exactly the sort of building conflict that makes for great viewing — you know it’s just a matter of time until ‘World War III’!

“God, don't let it be a double eviction with me and TJ, I'm begging you!” Sadly, Bodie’s god was not inclined to intervene, doubtless due to having a bit of a crush on TJ**, who’d said to Bodie “...if there was a double eviction this weekend I would like it if it was you and I.”



Bodie’s (and The Guru’s) nightmare scenario
“If you evict the interesting ones you are only punishing yourself!” Those were the sage words of Gretel on Day 18. And after six seasons you would hope the voting public was cottoning on to this concept — a houseful of dull, bland housemates makes for dull, bland television. OK, so Hayley and Emma are still in there, but it’s unlikely either would survive a public vote. And without provocation, they, too, don’t exactly light up the screen.

And then there’s the rationed sleep task. “Ever since this task started, the main topic of conversation in the House has been how tired everyone is.” These words, taken from the above-mentioned article, hardly bode well for gripping TV.

The Guru isn’t writing off Season 7 of Big Brother; it’s just a great shame such promising housemates have been lost so early on.


* The Guru will draw a veil over Bodie’s frequent rallies to chant. But here’s hoping the remaining HMs heed the words of Mike and Bree on Up-Late: “Please stop chan-ting! Please stop chan-ting!”

** Well, Bodie’s god is only human!

End of the Kate Bitchathon

The first official evictee of BB05 was Angela. “Who?” you ask. Kate won’t be so soon forgotten. And not just because of the controversy with the crying robot babies.

Kate’s time in the House, albeit brief, raised some interesting questions about bitchiness. For a start, how much of hers was as a result of the sad loss she’d experienced 18 months earlier? By Day 9, when the baby-caring task was announced, she would doubtless have taken stock and realised her behaviour thus far hadn’t exactly fostered popularity. What followed from Kate was a mixture of genuine reaction and manipulation.

After threatening to walk in the Diary Room, Kate went to the Chill Out Room with Thomas. “I used to be so passionate about what I wanted to do with my life, and I'm not anymore”, she said with conviction. But as she continued, Kate’s eyes rolled around as she looked upwards, a sign that her mind was working overtime: “And I don't look after my appearance much anymore”. The epiphany: she could use this situation.

The eyes settled down and she went on, “It's intimidating coming in here with, like, the Emmas and the Susannahs, and even Hayley and TJ and — well, you know, not so much Hayley...” (Way to slip in a bit of cattiness, Kate!)


Kate — the centre of attention
BB explained to her that the task had been withdrawn, and she then talked to the HMs en masse about her loss. “...I'm really sorry that I've been such a loud-mouth friggin’ outspoken bitch all week”, she continued, after neatly segueing through body-image issues.

The biggest insight into how bitchy Kate is day-to-day came during her interview with Gretel: “I really did need a gay male, though, didn't I, to bounce off, because I just had nothing to work with in there”. No prizes for guessing whether Kate’s gay friends are Davids or Robs!

Kate’s ‘support network’ of friends has obviously been nurturing her bitchy side — probably for years — alienating her from most of her peers. What she began to realise during her last 5 days in the House is that you can have stronger, warmer relations with a wider range of people when you don’t bitch 24/7. It’s a shame we didn’t get to watch that pan out.

Big Brother – The Bashers Within

The Guru has already sounded off against those Big Brother Bashers who wish to banish the show from our screens. But Big Brother also suffers at the hands of some of its own viewers.

The typical profile goes something like this: dips into the show, mainly when it’s made the news or there’s the prospect of a juicy noms/eviction ep; feels (or claims to feel) eminently superior to all of the HMs; talks almost exclusively of HMs’ negative, rather than positive, traits; typically backs the media when they vilify a HM or defame the show; pigeonholes their viewing as a guilty pleasure — something they hate themselves for doing; pronounces each season that the format has run its course... and proceeds to get right into the following season!

In Australia, this attitude has actually been greatly fuelled by the show’s producers, who are greedy for ratings, and have therefore been more than willing to cater to The Bashers Within. Last year it was sex — the producers working as diligently as the zookeepers at a Giant Panda enclosure to encourage some action. (This was another reason for John & Ash’s treatment being unfair. And inconsistent — BB05’s Michael faced no serious consequences for putting his penis up to Gianna’s face, despite her not consenting, and not liking it.)

This year it’s mind-games, physical pain and surprise twists. And this leaves Big Brother walking a moral tightrope.


Sensory deprivation in The White Room
The line is crossed when a HM (or would-be HM) faces a form of potential harm they didn’t sign up for. The White Room ordeal crossed the line, because the HM hopefuls were exposed to a form of psychological trauma they probably wouldn’t have agreed to beforehand. “Can they take anything else away from us?” sobbed Harrison. And Hayley’s Temptation Island-type ordeal courtesy of ex, Billy, would also have been beyond the pale had it destroyed her long-term relationship with Andrew.

The Guru isn’t against shock surprises in the House — if rumours that Emma was born a man are on the money, some jaws may drop — but the BB producers need to maintain the moral high-ground, and let the dramas unfold naturally. In the long-term, that will win them ratings, and The Bashers Within will fall silent.

The Truth about Turkey-gate

OK, so you’ve read The Plight of John & Ashley, but you’re still left with questions aplenty. Well here are your answers:


What actually happened?

Camilla crawled between Ash and John on a bed and playfully said “You're not going to turkey-slap me, are you?” When they said they weren’t, Camilla giggled and replied “You are, you liars; let me in!” John held Camilla’s arms, while Ash nudged Camilla’s cheek with his penis. Afterwards, Camilla continued to cosy up with the boys, flirting and displaying mock indignation about the turkey-slap to other HMs.


Was there consent?

Clearly. But I’m reminded by Thursday’s Find Me a Family — where a man revealed he’d been married over 60 years and never saw his wife naked — that not everyone’s as broadminded as Camilla. So if you’re having problems seeing past the words ‘penis’ and ‘held’, picture it being about tickling instead. The dynamics are clear — there’s not merely consent; Camilla is instigating the turkey-slap, and the scene plays out exactly as she intends.


So why did the media vilify John & Ash?

Headlines like ‘BB gives sociological insight’ don’t sell newspapers. The papers love to hate BB, and most journos don’t watch it enough to ‘get it’, only enough to embellish their scandals. Networks 7 & 9 are in competition with Network 10, so they feel it is in their interests to run stories which could help get the show axed. And John Howard’s personal campaign to get BB off our screens, based on his out-there religious beliefs, I’ve already gone into.


And why didn’t Ash, John or Camilla speak out?

They were gagged by their contract with producers Endemol Southern Star / Network 10, who were running scared after already being forced to cancel BB Adults Only, and who, in their panic, didn’t handle the situation at all well. John & Ash were given an interview with Gretel, but this wasn’t enough to restore their good name — the media was out for blood. They ran unjust stories, and John & Ash’s contracts with the production company left them without a right to reply.


So does this story have a happy ending?

Well that depends on you! If enough people realise that John & Ash (Michael Bric & Michael Cox) have been shafted by Network 7’s Today Tonight and the media at large, then there could yet be a happy ending.

As for Camilla Severi, she was BB06 runner-up. She’s just announced she’s expecting a baby — who knows, perhaps a BB27 HM in the making!

The Plight of John & Ashley

You know what really grinds my gears? (What’s that? You love my Peter Griffin impression? Why, thank you!) The travesty of justice that was John & Ashley’s trial by media last year.

After they were ejected from the Big Brother House 10 months ago, the media took the view that what they’d done — turkey-slap fellow housemate Camilla — was tantamount to sexual assault and that they should count themselves lucky no Police charges had been brought. And they were hung out to dry.

Now you’d think that, given where it took place, working out what had actually happened would be as easy as rolling the tape. But Network 10 wouldn’t release the footage. This was very odd behaviour, because they had already streamed it live around the world on the internet. A few sites posted copies of the clip of the incident, but Network 10 worked quickly to use copyright laws to have them pulled.

This left fans speculating wildly on the whole incident, many taking the media view and vilifying John & Ashley. But views quickly started to change as people — mainly gens X & Y — tracked down and watched the clip. This seemed to leave the majority of older people in the ‘hate BB’ and ‘vilify J & A’ camps and most younger people in the ‘BB is OK’ and ‘it was just harmless fun’ camps. And a couple of weeks ago, the Chaser Team took a swing at Channel 7’s Today Tonight, which had put up pics of John & Ashley (real names Michael & Michael) side by side and used graphics to ‘stamp’ the word “LOSER” onto them.

But on Monday’s Difference of Opinion (a show The Guru normally steers clear of) BB05 Housemate Tim Brunero, a journalist who blogs for The Chaser Team, proved that you can be a well-informed, open-minded gen-Xer and still not have your ‘Turkey-gate’ facts straight. He brought up the incident, and described John & Ashley’s behaviour as “inappropriate”. The Guru is disappointed, Tim...


Links: The Guru sets the record straight in The Truth about Turkey-gate.

The (Unrepresentative) BB07 Housemates

Year after year, Australian Big Brother selects a bunch of easy-going extraverts, similar in age, philosophical beliefs, ethnicity and attractiveness. Big Brother has been embraced all over the world, and elsewhere things are a lot more interesting.

African Big Brother fills its House with people from countries across the continent, with widely differing cultures and traditions. BBUK has diversity coming out of its ears! And Australian Big Brother? Well this year we’re promised "representative housemates”. But what are the chances Big Brother will deliver?

Here are the 12 original HMs. Yup, same ol’, same ol’...





What’s wrong with this picture?“But you’re forgetting about the other 6 possible HMs”, you’re muttering at the computer screen.

Well let’s have a look at the voting figures*: Susannah 65%, Zoran 45%, Harrison 30%, Cruz 25%, Demet 20% and Kara 15%. Great. So Susannah and Zoran have gone in as HMs, and Big Brother is busy giving the other 4 a kind of ‘Guantanamo Bay experience’ to determine the final place. Susannah is 30, but a ‘young’ 30, and nothing much has changed.


People like “Men are still superior” Cruz should be in there from Day 1, being challenged on their beliefs and viewpoints by the other HMs. But the producers don’t seem to have a clue.

Will Big Brother keep his promise? The Guru will get back to you...


* 10 mins before close of voting, 23/4/07

Big Brother Bashers

Nothing gets the goat of Venerable* Guru Al Cad more than the politicians, pundits and puritanical-types who would ban reality TV series Big Brother.

For the benefit of anyone who’s been living in a cave for the last seven years (hey there, Osama, how’s it hanging?) Big Brother films a dozen or so volunteers living in a house 24/7 for several months, or until they’re ‘evicted’. During their stay, the housemates are pretty much isolated from the outside world. The show’s producers take it in turns to be ‘Big Brother’, giving the housemates tasks designed to show them and us different facets of their personalities, and ensuring that they follow the strict rules of conduct. At the end of the series, there’s one winner who receives a large cash prize.

Sounds innocuous enough. And it is. But not to the bigoted puritans who decry the show.

Put a bunch of mainly twenty-something, mainly single guys and gals of widely differing backgrounds together for a long time and stuff is going to happen. Which, of course, is the idea. What stuff that is depends on what kind of people they are — and ultimately the nature of the society they’re from.

To loathe Big Brother is akin to loathing the youth of your own society. That’s right John Howard. Yup, I’m talking to you too, Nine News. And yes, even environment good guy Sunrise.

If you watch the evening news and you see Michael Richards (Seinfeld’s Kramer) having a racist rant, you don’t try to ban the news. So what sort of idiot would try to ban Big Brother if one of its housemates lets themselves down?

The Australian version of the show adheres closely to the TV ratings system. Most of the shows are rated PG (Parental Guidance recommended) and are not only suitable but educational for young teenagers. They show the real consequences of many traits: being two-faced, selfish, cliquish, the various ‘-ists’, and so on.

The MA15+ notch on the ratings system is the highest on Australian terrestrial TV, so of course those shows were not going to be appropriate for under 15s. And because there doesn’t seem to be nearly enough parental control to go around, putting them on at 9.30 pm was not a good idea. But for the mature viewer, there were insights to be had and lessons to be learned. Political pressure was brought to bear on Channel 10 last year, and they axed the MA15+ shows.

It probably shouldn’t be too surprising that someone who guest speaks on a Catch the Fire Ministries’ video would want to ban Big Brother entirely, and there can be little doubt that PM John Howard still has the show in his sights. Look out for more media-fuelled controversy whipped up during the forthcoming series, and more ‘Time to Go’ rhetoric on channels 7 & 9.

Hang in there, Big Brother — it’ll soon be Time to Go, John Howard...


* and extremely modest