Jillian & Ed – love, surprisingly

It’s a shocking format for a mainstream TV show when you stop to think about it: woman dates 30 men over a few weeks — individually and in groups — whittles them down, sleeps with some, and couples with the last man standing. That’s The Bachelorette, the US reality series that’s been running, on-and-off, since 2003. What legitimises it in the eyes of puritanical Americans is that it’s all for the sake of true love and marriage.


Jason Mesnick, who Jillian pursued in The Bachelor
Season 13 — unlucky for her
Well, in theory. It’s a spin-off of The Bachelor (where the genders are reversed) which, after 13 seasons, has yet to result in a marriage, despite 6 proposals. But then, The Bachelor has it all round the wrong way. Men’s minds are not wired to deal with being the pursued — some will see it as an all-you-can-eat buffet and others will just melt down in confusion.

Women, though, have their mental checklist, designed precisely for this scenario. It’s there, running in the background, all the time — even when they’re in a long-term relationship. For each potential partner there are columns for pros and cons, with a running total kept of the tally. The list expands to be as long as necessary, new items being added at any time.

If the two totals get too close, like a Twitter counter approaching 140 characters, the numbers go red, and the woman starts questioning things. The partner should take this seriously, and strive to get him/herself back into the black!

Anyway, this difference in mental wiring probably explains why The Bachelorette has had a far better success rate: of the 5 seasons there have been 4 proposals and one marriage.

Interestingly, each bachelorette has already been through the wringer on The Bachelor, ending up a runner-up. But I think the success rate would be similarly high with ‘virgin’ bachelorettes. Um, possibly a bad choice of words, as these women most definitely are not virgins!


No virgin — Jillian wears her sex life on her face
In fact, Jillian Harris was only too happy to sleep with Ed the same week she’d tried out Kiptyn and Reed in the sack. Ed famously got stage-fright, which had Jillian questioning whether to choose him as one of the final two. But then...


¡Ay, caramba!
Yes, the producers actually cut away to an erupting volcano! Of course, they were on Maui at the time, so quite apt.

And so, Ed’s list had the top score and she allowed herself to fall in love. Kiptyn no longer had a look-in, and as carefully as the sound bites were edited as he met the parents and so forth, he was clearly out.

But then Reed returned. Reed had failed to make it to the final two because he was unsure of his feelings and found it difficult to articulate them. His flight back to the mainland had given him plenty of time to figure them out, though, and he determined to win back the girl.


Reed, whose volcano erupted first time round, returns
This rocked Jillian’s world, and all of a sudden it was like a real life version of a thousand trashy novels. Fortunately, the very fact that she was now deeply in love with Ed gave him a whole heap of points. She sent Reed away and her certainty in her choice became firmer than ever. Ed proposed, and Jillian literally jumped for joy.


Tangible true love — a rarity on our TV screens
Despite the artificiality of the circumstances, this is the real deal — true love — Jillian’s version of it, at least. She has already migrated from Canada to the US to be with him, and they plan to marry within the next 14 months. The Guru’s prognosis? Excellent, at least for the near future. (Let’s not spoil the mood by bringing up that old chestnut, sexual variety.) There’s a good chance they’ll marry — probably in TV-land. And what could be more fitting than that?



Images: Go!

Friends Without Benefits

Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

Meet Trish Young, single mum of seven years and penner of the above dating site tag-line. Trish, who obtained a level of notoriety by reaching the No. 1 spot in the RSVP Top 100, was interviewed for The Age’s Green Guide of 2/8/07:

What’s your dating policy?

I always maintain five men in my life who take on different roles: a man I go to the movies with, a man I have amazing in-depth conversations with, a fun partner who is great with tickle fighting and joking around, one I am intimate with and the last male is on the way out to allow room for another to come.

Classy! Oh to be a fly on the wall as each of her five current cohorts reads the above! Presumably Trish has typically been intimate with No. 5, whom No. 4 is replacing, and No. 3 could more than likely also get a look-in. But it’s Nos. 1 & 2 that are most likely to be vexed by discovering how they’ve been commodified and manipulated. They’re not lovers. And they’re not friends. They’re friends without benefits.

The five roles that Trish ‘maintains’ do not include a father-figure for her child/children. Seems she’s decided to bring them up alone. And you can bet she’s rationalised that decision as being in their best interest. In reality, it’s simply in the best interest of her libido.

Right now Trish is feeling good about her lifestyle choices. The 3,000 ‘kisses’ she’s received on dating sites and high ranking on RSVP have made her feel desired. But she’s setting herself up for a massive fall. As age plays its hand, and the kisses fall off sharply, she’ll have a tangible — literally — sense of loss of desirability. And as her kids approach their teens resentments will mushroom. The life of Trish Young is a house of cards.


Links: Love vs Sex, Susannah’s Regrets

Fling Chocolate Bar *sigh*

A new chocolate bar ad has updated the fairytale of the beautiful Princess and her Prince Charming for the 21st Century:

Prince C has a skip in his step. He prepares to take leave of his Princess, on the porch of her palatial apartment. “Well, I've had a great time.” Princess P rolls her eyes, cocks her head and smiles faintly, but says nothing. “And I have your number.” “Yes. Yes you do,” replies a dismissive Princess.

There is an awkward silence, as Prince C is silently devastated and left forlorn. Crestfallen, and realising he’ll get only voicemail if he calls, the Prince manages to say “And I'd better — I'd better get going.” The nonchalant reply comes immediately. “Bye.” Prince C gets out a “Bye” before the front door closes, and descends the steps, wheeling his suitcase behind him. He trips at the bottom.

Princess P looks on, unconcerned, as she starts a Fling bar and chats on the phone. The final caption reads ‘Forever is overrated.™’


*sigh*  One striking thing about the ad is that there’s no sign Prince C doesn’t measure up. The Princess’ sultry look at the start seems to say ‘Yeah, last night was great! (But so what?)’. Thing is, there are plenty of others just as good, and she likes variety and loathes commitment. Sound familiar?

In the real world, you’d have to hope the guy knew how it would play out from the get-go. But what’s missing is the happy ending!

BB’s Susannah (as fanatical a moisturiser as she is) has started to worry about the next chapter in her life. Methinks it won’t be that long before a chocolate bar called ‘Fling’ holds a bitter taste for her...

Susannah’s Regrets

It is said there are only two pains in the world: pain of discipline and pain of regret.

What, sadly, many people discover too late is that the pain of regret hurts far more. It’s a crucial role of parenting to make the connection between motivation and reward — the payoff of achievement. But the ’90s and ’00s have been all about instant self-gratification — the Playstation leaves a typical ’tween or teen no incentive to, say, devote years of dedication to learning a musical instrument. And because the Playstation (or iPod, computer, etc.) is typically not earned, the kid is done a disservice. It’s called being spoiled, and it’s a Western pandemic.

After adolescence it’s time to party. And have lots of sex. And at the age of 30 you begin to feel an overwhelming sense of regret. This is what Susannah is going through, and there are no easy answers.

It started weighing on Susannah’s mind back on Day 31: “...when I was younger I was always like, ‘Oh, Suzie's pretty; she doesn't need to study; she doesn't need to worry about those sorts of things’... And looks fade,” she confided to Nick. “...what have I really got to offer? I'm not really particularly passionate about anything; I feel quite shallow and like I haven't really led the sort of life I think I should've.”



“It’s time to go, Malibu Susannah!”
On Day 35, she welled up, and was comforted by adoring fellow mirror-kisser, Thomas:

Susannah: “I'm really scared.”

Thomas: “What are you scared of?”

Susannah: “I'm scared of going back [into the outside world] and hating everything, and feeling disappointed in myself.”

Thomas: “What would you be disappointed for?”

Susannah: “I just feel like I just whittled away all my time, because I just thought it would last forever, and it doesn't, and all of a sudden you wake up, and you're, like, ‘Oh my god, I'm 30, and what have I done with myself? Partied a lot.’”

The Truth about Turkey-gate

OK, so you’ve read The Plight of John & Ashley, but you’re still left with questions aplenty. Well here are your answers:


What actually happened?

Camilla crawled between Ash and John on a bed and playfully said “You're not going to turkey-slap me, are you?” When they said they weren’t, Camilla giggled and replied “You are, you liars; let me in!” John held Camilla’s arms, while Ash nudged Camilla’s cheek with his penis. Afterwards, Camilla continued to cosy up with the boys, flirting and displaying mock indignation about the turkey-slap to other HMs.


Was there consent?

Clearly. But I’m reminded by Thursday’s Find Me a Family — where a man revealed he’d been married over 60 years and never saw his wife naked — that not everyone’s as broadminded as Camilla. So if you’re having problems seeing past the words ‘penis’ and ‘held’, picture it being about tickling instead. The dynamics are clear — there’s not merely consent; Camilla is instigating the turkey-slap, and the scene plays out exactly as she intends.


So why did the media vilify John & Ash?

Headlines like ‘BB gives sociological insight’ don’t sell newspapers. The papers love to hate BB, and most journos don’t watch it enough to ‘get it’, only enough to embellish their scandals. Networks 7 & 9 are in competition with Network 10, so they feel it is in their interests to run stories which could help get the show axed. And John Howard’s personal campaign to get BB off our screens, based on his out-there religious beliefs, I’ve already gone into.


And why didn’t Ash, John or Camilla speak out?

They were gagged by their contract with producers Endemol Southern Star / Network 10, who were running scared after already being forced to cancel BB Adults Only, and who, in their panic, didn’t handle the situation at all well. John & Ash were given an interview with Gretel, but this wasn’t enough to restore their good name — the media was out for blood. They ran unjust stories, and John & Ash’s contracts with the production company left them without a right to reply.


So does this story have a happy ending?

Well that depends on you! If enough people realise that John & Ash (Michael Bric & Michael Cox) have been shafted by Network 7’s Today Tonight and the media at large, then there could yet be a happy ending.

As for Camilla Severi, she was BB06 runner-up. She’s just announced she’s expecting a baby — who knows, perhaps a BB27 HM in the making!

The Plight of John & Ashley

You know what really grinds my gears? (What’s that? You love my Peter Griffin impression? Why, thank you!) The travesty of justice that was John & Ashley’s trial by media last year.

After they were ejected from the Big Brother House 10 months ago, the media took the view that what they’d done — turkey-slap fellow housemate Camilla — was tantamount to sexual assault and that they should count themselves lucky no Police charges had been brought. And they were hung out to dry.

Now you’d think that, given where it took place, working out what had actually happened would be as easy as rolling the tape. But Network 10 wouldn’t release the footage. This was very odd behaviour, because they had already streamed it live around the world on the internet. A few sites posted copies of the clip of the incident, but Network 10 worked quickly to use copyright laws to have them pulled.

This left fans speculating wildly on the whole incident, many taking the media view and vilifying John & Ashley. But views quickly started to change as people — mainly gens X & Y — tracked down and watched the clip. This seemed to leave the majority of older people in the ‘hate BB’ and ‘vilify J & A’ camps and most younger people in the ‘BB is OK’ and ‘it was just harmless fun’ camps. And a couple of weeks ago, the Chaser Team took a swing at Channel 7’s Today Tonight, which had put up pics of John & Ashley (real names Michael & Michael) side by side and used graphics to ‘stamp’ the word “LOSER” onto them.

But on Monday’s Difference of Opinion (a show The Guru normally steers clear of) BB05 Housemate Tim Brunero, a journalist who blogs for The Chaser Team, proved that you can be a well-informed, open-minded gen-Xer and still not have your ‘Turkey-gate’ facts straight. He brought up the incident, and described John & Ashley’s behaviour as “inappropriate”. The Guru is disappointed, Tim...


Links: The Guru sets the record straight in The Truth about Turkey-gate.

Love vs Sex: The Live Final

Oh yeah, this isn’t TV; Gretel, I won’t be needing you after all.

OK, so no live final. But from my previous posts on this subject you may be wondering if I’m implying it’s ‘better’ to have less partners. Am I ‘morally against’ having lots of sexual partners? Will fewer partners mean more happiness? How many is too many? Whoa, back up!

Firstly, a reminder of what these posts have been about: the search for love. A lot of people are looking for love in the longer term, but for now want S.E.X. — and lots of it! Well maybe one day there’ll be a pill that’ll allow us to fall madly in love on demand. But for now I’m here to tell you: your plan won’t work!

Am I ‘morally against’ having lots of sexual partners? No. (Although when it comes to the sort of figures Charlie Sheen boasts, it’s hard to see how things like STDs can’t be a factor, so that seems like putting his own pleasure above the health of others.)

Will fewer partners mean more happiness? Maybe. A long-term relationship with your soul mate could lead to great happiness. And one night stands, for instance, can be soul-destroying, ie being stood up. Love is not about being happy, in the conventional sense; it’s about a fundamental feeling of wholeness, which trumps any transient pleasure. Love is a very big subject — more on Guru soon. And if you have a burning question, remember, you can always ask. (I can point you towards some very effective creams!)

How many is too many? 43. Just kidding. There’s no exact number of partners that ‘trips’ something in the brain to ‘switch off’ the ability to fall in love. As I said, it’s cumulative. But most people, after 43 partners, will not be able to fall truly, madly, deeply in love like you see in the movies.

Yeah, I know, it sucks.

Celebrity Love vs Sex

There seems to be a Celebrity version of just about every contestant-based show on TV. (OK, so there’s no Celebrity Dancing With The Stars!) But fear not, I’m not going to do a Celebrity version of each post. This is basically a continuation of Love vs Sex, using some hapless celebs as fodder...

Celebrity personal lives have a habit of being disastrous. And ‘media intrusion’ is not generally the real culprit — it’s all about notches on bedposts.

Call me psychic, but I wasn’t altogether surprised to hear that things didn’t work out between Charlie Sheen, who claims 5,000+ conquests, and ex- porn star Ginger Lynn Allen. Ditto Gene Simmonds, the Kiss singer who claims to have bedded 4,600+ people, and Diana Ross.

Jordan fancied settling down, so changed her name to Katie Price and found a nice guy to marry. She likes that he loves her. But if (or when) she fancied a sea change, no problem! (We may have to wait a year or two for that one to play out, though.)

Jamie & Katie, from Australian Big Brother 06 are another reality series hook-up that happened before our eyes. Katie said she was a virgin, while Jamie bragged about sleeping with over a dozen people during a few weeks abroad. Katie fell hopelessly in love with Jamie, who was flattered, but also felt cornered. The relationship went into meltdown soon after they left The House, ie soon after Jamie’s pool of potential conquests increased from one or two to thousands. Katie was widely derided as unintelligent. But she got what so many seem not to — when it comes to your cherry, you can’t have your cake and eat it!


Continued: In the conclusion, Love vs Sex: The Live Final, The Guru answers such perplexing questions as ‘How many is too many’ and ‘Will fewer partners mean more happiness?’ He also has another go at ‘boil on the backside of humanity’ Charlie Sheen...

Love vs Sex

Sex. Small word; big subject; massive uptake! Yes, as people in the industrial world turn away from the yoke of religion, they stop briefly at the chemists before shacking up with some like-minded person. “Why not?” is the reasoning. “Sexual compatibility — it’s very important. Once I find that, the love will follow.”

I’m afraid not; it doesn’t work like that. Each sexual partner you have ‘dilutes’ the degree to which you can love any one person. And increases the difficulty you will have remaining faithful to them.

The reason is that love (romantic love) is all about pair bonding, and pair bonding is all about knowing that you’re with the right partner — one with whom you can successfully raise strong offspring to adulthood. The more partners you have, the more difficulty you have committing to one. You like the body of one, the personality of another, the finances of another, the sex with another, and so on.

And if you happen to find all those things in a single partner, after a while, when the novelty has worn off, and with only diluted love to glue things together, the enticement of new pastures wins out, buoyed by memories of past liaisons.

The evidence to support this is all around us — celeb news, friends & family, and the reasons for the failures in our own relationships. What’s surprising is that it’s just not discussed. There’s plenty of talk about religious, moral and social values, STDs, pregnancy, etc., but none about the simple concept that we’re all searching for love, yet many of us are shooting ourselves in the foot!

Well, all that’s about to change! At Guru, there’ll be plenty of posts about love and sex — after all, they’re my two favourite subjects!!!


Continued: In Celebrity Love vs Sex we find out why Charlie Sheen is a knob, what’s causing Jordan to screw Peter André over and why Katie from BB06 is a sweetheart...